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Sunday, September 11, 2011

They confess to adultery, crimes and other secrets on their deathbed

SOME confess to crimes they have committed.

Others admit to cheating on their spouses.

And there are those who reveal secrets that not even their closest friends or family know about.

And they choose to confess the greatest regrets of their lives to people who are almost complete strangers - the health-care workers who tend to them on their deathbeds.

Ms Ednajoy Ngo, 36, who has been nursing cancer patients here for the past 15 years, recalled how an elderly patient in his 70s had told her how much he had loved and appreciated everything his wife had done for him, but he never told her.

Ms Ngo said: "After he died, I repeated his exact words to his wife three times, and she still couldn't believe me."

Netizens have been pondering regrets they would have on their deathbeds following a blog post by a former nurse from Australia that went viral online.

Ms Bronnie Ware, now a singer and songwriter, wrote about the five common regrets her dying patients had told her about on their deathbeds.

Health-care professionals said many patients, when faced with death, experienced a variety of emotions.

They talked about their regrets, hopes, wants and confessions.

Many found peace before their departures from this world.

Ms Ngo said: "Very often, patients tell us that they have not done enough for themselves. They say that they worked so hard to take care of their families and saved most of their money for retirement.

"But once they found out that they had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, they felt that they had spent their whole lives making money only to pay for their graves."

Ms Ngo, who has worked in different hospitals, has seen how many dying patients want to leave behind a legacy.

Some of them attempt to write a book or draw. Some do a voice recording of their thoughts before their death, said Ms Ngo.

As the nurses are the people these patients see most every day, it is natural that many dying patients tend to open up and share their deepest secrets with them.

Ms Ngo said she feels privileged that patients share thoughts with her that they don't even share with their families.

She considers them her life's greatest lessons.

She told of one elderly patient who had been keeping a pair of leather shoes, a gift from his daughter, for her wedding day.

But he did not live to attend her wedding.

Ms Ngo said: "He was always in slippers, and that pair of shoes was so precious to him and he kept them in his cupboard.

"In the end, his daughter put on those shoes for him on his last journey to the crematorium."


Confessions

Besides talking about their regrets and wishes, patients also tend to make their confessions to the health-care workers that they have become comfortable with, said Miss Candice Tan, 26, a medical social worker at Tan Tock Seng Hospital.

Miss Tan has heard confessions of shoplifting, cheating on spouses and mistreating family members.

She said: "I had one patient in her 40s, who told me that she regretted her marriage as she felt that she had married the wrong man."

Assisi Hospice clinical director, Dr Tan Yew Seng, feels that most patients would open up to the health-care workers at the hospice once they become comfortable in the place.

"Very often, it is at the hospice that patients make sense of their lives, find peace and continue to live a meaningful life till the end," said Dr Tan. "We help them to move beyond regrets, knowing that they cannot change things."

Assisi Hospice sees about 1,000 in-patient and homecare patients a year.

Most of them have been diagnosed with cancer.

Dr Tan said: "Today's young people feel that they have many things to look forward to and are generally not prepared for death. Hence, death, inevitably, becomes frightening.

"We assume that death is far away, and we assume that there are many things that we have to do and accomplish before death will visit us.

"But the truth is, nobody knows what tomorrow is going to be like for people, both young and old. If we become more attuned to dying as a natural process, we may actually live life better."

Ms Ngo agreed.

She said her male patients who are under 40 years old are often angry to find out that they have cancer.

"They are angry that they won't be able to fulfil their dreams. Some of these patients spent so much time studying and getting double degrees, but they'll never have a chance to realise their dreams," said Ms Ngo.

"For most working mothers, their common regret would be not taking good care of their health and not being able to see their children grow up.

"It is usually the elderly women who would have more peace and calm in facing death. Many of them tell me that they didn't want to be a burden to their families."

Miss Tan said some patients felt a sudden loss in their roles as fathers, mothers, husbands and workers.

They then start to search for the meaning in their lives.

Dr Tan added: "Many patients find peace when they are able to make sense of things in their lives. We explore with them what is behind those regrets, and we help them move forward.

"Death is a part of life that needs to be played out. It is not about medical care, but caring for patients' other needs, such as their dreams, their hopes and their different roles in the communities.

"These patients may be spouses, parents; and they want to fulfil their different roles while they are still alive.

"It's not about death time, it's about life; how we deal with the remaining part of their lives." "Once they found out that they had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, they felt that they had spent their whole lives making money only to pay for their graves."

Top 5 regrets on deathbed

These are the top five regrets former nurse Bronnie Ware has heard from patients on their deathbeds:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish I had let myself be happier.

 - The New Paper

1 comment:

  1. Fear not your worldly life or anything you are going to leave on earth if you come to your father now and thru' HIM that I have sent for you.

    ReplyDelete